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[20 May 2004|08:52pm] |
Long time no update, I'm just sitting here reading Granny Dan by Danielle steel, yes i'm actually reading, and yes it's danielle steel, shut the fuck up bitches. Anyway, Besides that I'm sitting here IM'ing Jerlando and wondering why he's pissed. I'll figure it out but yeah. In between updates a lot has happened and anyone reading this should know all that shit, if not, you're not worthy. hah.
I'm really confused on a few things here lately and I'm not sure how to handle that, that's something I'm not use to. I've always been one to have the answers to everything and now I don't, it sucks my grandma's ass, fareal. It's like all the friends I use to have, I'm discovering they arn't the best and that I don't really know them. Which scares me because I've trusted them with everything, strangers, with everything. It's insane. I guess I needa stop thinkin about it like that but, how can I not? It's reality right now and honestly, I'm not about to let myself be pulled away from reality just because some people are stuck up pussy mother fuckers. Ya know?
But yeah that's all for now I'll edit later. Peace.
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| She wears snake skin boots made by calvin klein and cheap sunglasses from the bottom line |
[26 Apr 2004|04:27pm] |
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( Rock My World ) |
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I'm so fuckin' sore. All day yesterday I went down to the lake and learned how to water ski. Now we all know how graceful I am, not. So it was by far the most interesting thing in the world I was laughing at myself because it took me like all day just to learn how to get up and when I finally did get up I was doing pretty good and got cocky so I tried to go over the wake. BAD BAD BAD idea. We weren't in a ski boat first off it was a racing boat and the wake was like huge. If you've never felt a ski hit your back, you've never felt pain. It hurt like a bitch. To say the least that was the end of my skiing for the day.
It was a great day yesterday I just kicked back and had fun at the most serene place probably in Roanoke. I did a lot of thinking and relaxing and honestly I've never felt better, minus my back hurting like a mother fucker. I guess I've relizied life is worth living even if I am living it alone. I can't wait for next weekend to do it all over again, I'm pretty sure by then I'll need just as badly.
Anyway, I start my training for food lion wednesday. I'll work from 7am-2pm four days a week for 5.75 an hour. After 90 days it'll go up to 7. I guess its not bad I mean, $322.00 every 2 weeks isn't bad at all. I know people who make less than $100 a paycheck. So I'm really excited.
Anyway I'm going to go tan. Hopefully this summer I won't be the other white meat.
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| I thought i was over you but I guess maybe i'm not |
[25 Apr 2004|12:43am] |
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( Songs About Rain ) |
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Sometimes it's better to lay in bed all day and sort out your thoughts no matter how much it hurts, tears you, confuses you, or what not. Without solving things that bother you, hurt you, confuse you, or just perplex you they just get worse. I guess mine got worse before they got better. Everything with him is okay now. It's like a million pounds being lifted off my shoulders, yet, it feels like theres some catch like I'm missing something. It can't be this easy.. I am having terrible feelings of being setup and maybe its because of my low self esteem true but it could very well be true. I mean, I want more than anything to believe theres not catch but going through what I have and he has it's almost..i dont know. It's just like it was before minus the I love you and all that jazz ..i have my best friend back. It makes me happy but in a way it makes me more sad. I guess its because I never know how long it'll be before I have him back again and probably because I don't like this whole sharing thing. He was mine. Now he's not. I understand that. It's just weird because like I said its exactly how it was 4 months ago..talking, laughing, bullshitting.. it's just all surreal. It's like every day I'm waking up and I'm afraid when I wake up I'm going to stop breathing. Life is a funny thing and it has a funny way of fucking you up the ass while your bent over least expecting it.. well, i'm expecting it so death wouldnt be too far out of reach. I dont know I'm just ..now being able to lick my wounds. I don't know what would happen for them to be busted open again. I'm not holding high hopes, in fact the only thought I'm hanging on to right now is the thought of the future. Looking out into the vast light of my future I see..nothing and that comforts me more than it probably should. I see no one, not even myself. That is the most comforting thought I have to entertain these days, is that fucked up?
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| Tell em your tryin to cure a 7 year ache,see what else your old heart can take |
[27 Mar 2004|07:25am] |
I'm in such a bad mood I could fuckin' kill someone right now. All night I been thinkin' bout andrew and what mighta been and what coulda been had I done a lot of things different. Then I thought about how everyone's like get over it it's not that big of a deal, besides your not all tore up about. Well guess what scars dont always fade, wounds dont always heal, and sometimes you cant always see the pain a person feels.
I still love him and I know I always will. I know I'll never have the bond I had with him with anyone else. None of you saw that, it was the private side of him and me. None of you saw us alone together, how he'd kiss my forehead and tell me how much he adored me. How he'd hold me and we'd stare into each others eyes for hours at a time. How he could make me smile through my tears. How he taught me that I am in fact, not, the ugliest girl in the world. How he'd always tell me he loved me and never expect love in return. How he wipe away the blood from my cuts and promise me that I wouldnt hurt anymore. How he changed my life.
For the very first time in my life, I didn't feel alone. I felt like maybe I am worth something that I'm not just a waste of energy, life, and space. Whenever we'd touch I'd tremble and when we kissed, oh lordie. It was like the world stopped for us. It was just us and no one else, none of his problems matter, none of mine mattered, it was just us in the moment.
Andrew and I met at one of my softball games last April, his brother, Josh was ump'ing the game and he kept telling me stuff about him. Such as, 'yeh, that's my brother back there, he goes to North Cross, he's 16 a junior, and he plays baseball. You should talk to him'. I agreed but after the game decided not to, so I got Heather Davis to walk with me past the gate where Andrew was standing..I walked by and then I swear I just felt like I should turn around and I did, and said hi. He gave me his beeper number and I paged him that night when I got home. The first weekend after we met, and after talking every night, I agree to meet him Sunday at Haydens Music in Tanglewood where he was then working. I dragged nicole along. We walked past there for about 2 hours before we actually went in, it was funny as hell because they knew we'd been walking around for that long and decide to add to the awkwardness by bring it up. Wonderful lol, it was awkward but we made it through. We walked to Suite City and looked at pimp hats me and nicole just kinda stayed back and laughed, those pimp hats were wack. We pretty much said that and then he had to get back to work which was good because my nerves were shot anyway.
Nicole and I walked around a little bit, she got an engagement ring from her invisible boyfriend that lit up [only to later be stolen by wesley] and we went to the food court. He phoned me and asked where we were that he had a break I told him and he came up and sat across from me. I don't really remember what all was said because I don't think a lot was. All I know is the night before he had told me he could read eyes so all day I'd been avoiding his eyes..he finally asked what do I have a big pimple or something do i need to go check and i laughed and shook my head hes like okay and i go okay and look and he shakes his eyes and freaks me out. I was like, what the fuck? That's crazy and hid my eyes. Thinking he hadn't got a glimpse of my eyes I wasn't worried til that night when I got home and he called and said he had and as crazy as it sounds everything he said was right..Anyway he asked me out 2 weeks later with this rap, I still remember the words but I'd rather not post it, its one of the few things that I have left of him. I of course said yes.
All summer long we saw each other every day and we went to the beach together and had a TON of laughs. We met 'Taledos' the guys we met from taledo ohio, mike and something i forget now. We smoked bud, had a few beers, walked on the beach at night..held each other on the peer and talked about the future..and made great use of the hot tub. Even though his grandfather died while we were there tragically it brought us together. For the first time he HAD to let me in or else he'd have gone crazy. He even let a tear drop in front of me. It broke my heart and I cried for him. He took his thumb and wiped away my tears, he always did that when I cried..it was almost like it hurt him to see me cry. During that summer I found something that I know I'll never forget...
After the summer he started school at byrd, the year earlier he had went to north cross. That's when we started going down hill. With him being at school and me being at home we both got paranoid as fuck the other one was fucking around. Me more so than him because not the 2nd week of school had I had phone calls about him dancing and kissing other girls. I talked to all of them and told them I am in fact his girlfriend and it'd be in their best interest to leave him alone. I played the pity gaurd and it worked they told me everything. This kept up til about the 3rd week of october, I broke up with him. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore it was driving me crazy and I had to end it. He begged me not to but I still did, he openly cried on the phone. I couldn't take it so i hung up. The whole first week he'd call and leave messages on my cell phone asking how I was and such. The next week I told him I wouldnt be going to homecoming and he went with a girl I have yet to know who she is..we got back together the 2nd week of november and made love the first time the day before Thanksgiving.
We were great and happy once again and then I relized something, I was late for a very important date with my monthly friend. My worst fear was confirmed not late after..the same day I told him and we talked it over and he told me that it was up to me ultimately and he'd be around. Now let's recap a little so I don't seem like such a negative person. My father left his first wife pregnant, my brother left his girl pregnant, my uncle left his girl pregnant, my other brother left his girl pregnant.. and they had all swore up and down they'd be there. So how could I possibly believe that completely? We started talking more and more about it and the more we talked the more I believed it and for that small period of time ..I didn't hear about any other girls. Generally I don't feel like going into the rest of this segment of our relationship because it upsets me greatly and its something that's still somewhat a fresh wound.
Upon getting over that he and my mom kept getting into arguments and he wasnt allowed over until Christmas eve, then our parents fought back in fourth to make that happen. That was by far the best christmas present I got that season..we got to continue seein each other through the holidays but then my mom got back on her high horse. I was only allowed out with him if his parents were there and he wasn't allowed over at all. Me being the dumbass I am on January 27th I stayed at my Gma's house near his mom's and we planned to meet up that day.
It was snowing and he was out of school of course. I was strickly forbiddin of going near him or meeting iwth him or him meeting with me but hi, when has that ever stopped me? So I met with him that morning and we walked to his house. Not 15 mins later my gma was callin me sayin that my mom was on her way and pissed. So we rushed back down to the park and i remember pulling him to me and kissing him and asking you love me right which he replied yes to and i kissed him once again and started on my way to gmas well, on the way I felt light headed and dizzy and couldnt make it and passed out. I awoke in an ambulance with 2 IVs in me and people bitching at me to talk. That was the last time I saw andrew..the last time I kissed him..the last time he was near me. His mother called and said she thought it best that we wont see or talk to each other anymore and my mom agreed wholeheartedly. I called him and told him and he didn't believe me.
His mother had told him it was all my mom's idea. I asked him if what we had was worth fighting for and neither of us really thought it was. Which is true He has 2 differnt sets of parents and we would have had mine..thats 3 sets of parents against it. Seriously how could anyone make that work? For the first week I did nothing but stay in my room and cry. I didnt eat, sleep, or drink. Then it hit me. I'll die before they let me back with him... so after a week without him breathing was all I did.
No one seems to understand that he filled that void..built back the other side of my heart..that he was my world. What I breathed for. Now that he's gone I'm breathing for this one simple fact 'its a small world' I'm bound to meet him again. True he'll probably be with someone else and I'll want to die but, I figure thats a way to prove my love. If I see him wiht someone else and can lie and say I'm happy for him just so he'll smile, I love him too much to be measured. That I'd still put him before me even when we arn't together.
I don't miss him all the time..some days are just harder than others. Some days I dont get out of bed til my mom prys me out and some days I get out of bed with no hestitation, simply because I cant take dreaming of him. ANd I do every night..it's almost like his memory haunts me. His memory isn't the only thing that haunts me though it's what he always said to me.
I'll be here til you let me go
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| you still have all of me |
[23 Feb 2004|11:04am] |
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( My Immortal ) |
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Andrew called me this morning at 9 am. I picked it up and figured it was my cousin..wrong. I didn't recognize his voice, I figured it was him, but I was afraid I was just wanting it to be and then what if it wasn't?
Me- Who is this?
Him- Guess.
Me- I dont know, who is this?
Him- Your world.
Me- Was.
Him- See you know who this is.
=silence=
Him- How are you?
Me- I don't think you really care.
Him- Nah I do every time I hear this damn song it reminds me of you.
[ He was talking about 'My immortal' playing in the background. ]
Me- Yeh well, it's mutual but life goes on or something like that.
He agreed.. then we talked about meeting up to give each other's jewelry back I told him that I didn't want his necklace back. I then asked if he wanted his stuff back and he said no keep it. I said well I can't wear it anymore so..and he goes yeh I don't wear yours either. So, he basically ended it by telling me to call him so we can meet up and give stuff back. I told him I'd get back with him and we said our goodbyes.
I got off the phone and started bawling. The whole time I'd kept myself and my voice even, showing no emotion, except for maybe the shaking in my voice because I was literally shaking from all the pent up emotion that I wasn't expressing I guess.
I downloaded My Immortal and for the last hour and a half I've been sitting here listening to it. It's easy to see why it reminds him of me.
I tend to think it's more of his concious eating at him..and that song just fires it up more.
Truth be told I stood by him when no one else would..and yes he still has me. I'd never let him know that though. It's going to be difficult meeting with him because as strong as I think I am..I loved the boy and that's why i cried and cried and cried.
I had convinced myself I didn't love him I just thought I did. Hearing his voice though and having all our memories and conversations swirl through my head, it hit me like a ton of bricks. You loved him and you still do.
Among all those feelings I felt guilty. Yes, guilty. Because truth be told this whole time I've been blaming him for our break-up. When in fact it was our parents fault. It wasn't his and it wasn't mine. It was theirs.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of what might have been. Once I get lost in thought though a certain name always crosses my mind 'Brenda'. Then I smile. Yes, I smile. Not a sick smile you psychopathic bitches a happy one a genuine one. Simply because she's there for him now. I don't know how well she's there for him but I'm sure she is to some extent and that's enough for me.
True, it hurts to think someone is taking my place but Andrew needs people to be there for him. Someone who isn't gonna ditch him the second someone else comes around. Someone who's down for him. And by the way it looks she is. So, why shouldn't I be happy for them?
I want things to be right between us ..I always said that even if we broke up we'd still be friends because we are so alike and we had such a bond. He always said the same. So hopefully we can work something out before I start at byrd..that would definatly lower the stress levels, but we'll see.
Anyway, I'm gonna go talk to corey and get ready to go take my learners test for the 3rd time. Peace y'all.
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